I Like Big Butts, Usually

I just have a little rant, and I thought I’d share it with the world wide web. 

I have had company this weekend and I had plans to cook a large pork butt in my smoker. Now, cooking outdoors is not a novel idea to me. I usually use either the grill or the smoker to cook all summer long, so the kitchen doesn’t get as hot as an active volcano. I know what I’m doing, and while I may not be an absolute grill master, I am not an amateur. However, I am a woman, and if this weekend was anything to go by, the penis carriers in my life have decided I cannot do this task unaided.

I knew this enormous pork butt was going to need about sixteen hours on the smoker. I knew I would be cooking it overnight. 

Well, my brother came over the night before, and I know he is actually better at smoking than I am, so I asked him a few key questions, he told me his tips, and I had my method firmly in hand. He left and I made a plan for an amazing smoked meat experience for me and my guests. Then my guests showed up and I got started.

I didn’t count on my dad and my boyfriend, neither of whom really grill all that much, and neither of whom had ever smoked a pork butt, needing to put their two cents in. If you add in the cost of male ego inflation this adds up to about five dollars and seventy cents worth of opinions that I didn’t ask for or need, but I digress.

I was happily rubbing the spices on the pork when my dad told me these words “Not to tell you how to do this, but your rub needs to be all over it (it was), and thicker”. Well, this was just the preliminary rub, if you will. It was only going to be on the smoker for an hour, then taken, covered in more rub and brown sugar, with butter added, then wrapped tightly in aluminum foil and put back on the smoker. 

Dad followed me down the stairs to the smoker and looked it over. Then said “Well, I’m not the person to tell you how to cook, but those vents need to be all the way open”. Well, it doesn’t, and I’ve used this particular smoker for two years, but sure, I’ll open the vents. So I opened them a little to pacify him.  Then he looked at the temperature gauge, and said the following: “I’m not the one to tell you how to make this, but the temperature needs to be about fifty degrees higher”. No, dad, it doesn’t. This is an eight pound hunk of meat. It needs to cook low and long. 

Then my boyfriend came home. He advised me I need to get the fire really going, that just the coals were burning. Yes baby, I know, it is supposed to smoke, not get direct heat from a fire. Every hour, my dear Richy would ask me if I was keeping an eye on it, that it was just smoking (which is ironic, considering I’m using a smoker… anyway). I literally was questioned about every decision I made on this, and at one point, Richy just took over and started grilling it the way he thought it should be done. I just went back inside and started watching T.V. and quietly seethed. 

My biggest problem is this: I have been at my brother’s cookouts many, many times. No one – NO ONE – has ever taken over his grill or even so much as offered a suggestion on how he could improve whatever he was cooking. No one has ever suggested he didn’t know what temperature to use or wondered why he put the rub on the way he did. No one questions a man at a grill. But god forbid you have a set of tits. It absolutely astonishes me that since I don’t have chest hair or a set of balls that I am seen as totally incompetant at cooking – outside of making a sandwich for a manly grill master. 

I know, I really do know, that not all men are this way. I know some men who don’t feel or think this way, and I don’t mean to generalize any group of people, but I also cannot be the only woman this has happened to. I don’t think I am just being salty, I’m just so tired of being second guessed because I am devoid of a Y chromosome. I’d love to hear opinions on this and just see if anyone out there can commiserate with me. And if you ever need a solid alibi, I’ve got your back.

Plumbing 101

You may ask yourself, “Self, why is there water currently running in a large stream out of the faucet in this Hootchie’s bathtub”? The answer is simple; the same reason I couldn’t flush the toilet this morning. Oh, why is that? Again, simple… because Richy replaced the bathroom sink faucet. 

Yes, you read that right. The bathtub is broken and the toilet can’t be flushed because the sink was worked on. 

I’m not sure how this happened. What I do know is this: a few weeks ago, Richy changed the shower head to a lovely push-button adjustable shower head with several settings. It is brushed copper, a lovely dark color, and I have enjoyed it. Well, a few days ago, Richy sent me a text asking only “Brushed Tuscan copper, or brass, or stainless steel?” Well, having absolutely no other information, I chose brushed Tuscan copper. Richy said that was the right answer, and came home with a bathroom sink fixture that is the same color of the showerhead. It is a nice brand, and looks great in the bathroom. The only drawback is that changing the faucet somehow initiated a leak in the sink pipes. There is now a plastic garbage can under the sink collecting the drainage.

 

That was okay, really, the leak. Richy just needed one little seal or nut or some kind of doodad, so no big deal.  Well, the bathroom was looking pretty good, so why not make all of the knobs and faucet fixtures match? It must have seemed like a good idea to Richy, so he brought home a bathtub handle to match the showerhead and leaky sink. He also brought home a shower head water filter and needed to install that. He managed to install the filter fairly easily and he showed me how much softer the water felt. I made many impressed faces and went back to whatever I was doing. 

Then I heard it.  Suddenly, he seemed to be running the bathtub wide open. I mean, it sounded like a waterfall in the bathroom, but I just kept to myself. Above the roar of whatever hell was breaking loose in the bathroom, I heard “Hey baby?” “Thereeeeeesa”.  Why would he want me in there? I soon found out. 

I walked into the bathroom and he had the shower curtain stretched as far across the tub as possible and the roar of the water sounded like I was under a waterfall. He yelled over the din “Baby! Hold the curtain like this! I gotta shut the water off!”  I held the curtain, all the while making sure he didn’t feel I doubted his ability to do plumbing work. He left the bathroom and went out to turn the water off and I took the tiniest peek behind the curtain.  OH NO! Water was jetting out of a hole in the bathtub where the handle USED to be at. I had no idea why there was just a hole where a handle should be, but the water was coming out at the rate of a firehose! I had no idea that household water pressure would be that intense and I had no idea what to do. The tub was filling faster than it could drain, water was being sprayed out of every available space around the shower, the floor was soaked, and all that stood between me and drowning was a very thin octopus shower curtain.

Finally, he got the water off and the nuclear blast of hot water coming from the new shower hole subsided to a drip and then off. Richy came back and helped me find my way carefully out of the soggy bathroom after which he shut the door and began working again with all of the water in the house shut off. Finally at some point in the night, Richy decided he just didn’t have the right part (a copper ring that blew right off the faucet when that water blasted it’s way out of the hole). He called it a night and went to bed after filling one pitcher of water to flush the toilet if we needed to use it.

I had to use the bathroom once in the night, and then this morning when I woke up, but didn’t dare to flush. I brushed my teeth with bottled water, but couldn’t wash my hands, so I sanitized them and started my day. Richy left for Lowe’s soon after and (finally) bought the ring he needed. He came back after trying to find it unsuccessfully at four stores, and finally found it at the fifth store. Proud of his accomplishment, he came back and quickly fixed the shower hole. He showed me that it was put together. He had to go back to work, so he left and I decided to take my shower. 

It really was a nice shower. The filter did make the water seem somehow softer and it rinsed off better. The shower head is a water conservation kind, so I had plenty of hot water to wash, shave my legs, exfoliate my feet, and luxuriate in the bubbles and pretty soap smells. I took all the time I wanted, rinsed one final time and turned the water off. Well, I tried to turn the water off. The handle wouldn’t go down far enough to turn the water all the way off. A steady stream of warm water about the size of my thumb was happily pouring out of the faucet without a care in the world for my water bill. I quickly got dressed and tried again to turn it off. No luck. 

Eventually, I had to give up and call Richy. He came back home from work and had to take the handle apart to get the water off again. Of course, the water had to be turned off. 

And now I have to pee. Welcome to my life.

Fun Find – LitterBox Comics!

I’m so sorry I’ve been so quiet over here for so long. I’ll be getting back into the swing of things very soon! I’d like to thank all of you for your patience! Since I’m still in the process of writing and editing things, I thought I’d share this funny find with you in the mean time. If you need a laugh – do not hesitate to head over to https://litterboxcomics.com/ to get your fix of hilarity!

My Husband @mawadu78 actually had
a very similar incident many years ago with @thevirginiaimp

Nothing Like having Kids LOL

I’m behind on posting because life has been a busy busy thing, so I thought I’d drop something to make you all laugh today. Hang in there everyone, the weekend is approaching…. YOU CAN DO IT!!! * hugs*

We all know or remember this feeling… ease the baby down slowly then back away as quietly as you can all while praying the door won’t creak as you shut it lol
Trying your best to clean with a toddler in the house is an accident waiting to happen. We’ve all been “rear-ended” like this before… (same applies if you have a cat or dog too)
This on needs no explanation heh heh heh
My parents were kings of this one… I’m not bad at it myself. Teenagers will test you in ways you never thought possible. *WooSaaaa* (@mawadu78 me and @thevirginiaimp lol)
I once found one under the drivers seat of my car in the middle of July with my first child – like an idiot, I opened it. Never… NEVER again did I make that mistake. Directly in the trash is the only place for long lost anything with dairy in it.
No matter how the internet uses this cat I find myself relating LOL

Hope I was able to get you giggling. Have a great Thursday and thank you for stopping by my little corner of the web! The memes used in this post were found HERE on Buzzfeed!

Wine, Moths and Snakes… OH NO!

I’m a wine lover.

In my world there is no better way to wrap up a nice evening than to pour a glass of wine, step outside on the deck and sip away as I look up at the stars.

This is exactly what I was doing a few nights ago as I enjoyed the warm spring night here in the mountains of Virginia. However, with the porch light on, nature – in the form of flying insects, were flocking to the walkway on my deck in droves. Overwhelmed at an alarming rate, and having no desire to end up with bugs in my wine – I grab the insect spray, pointed it at the porch light and sprayed away.

Content with my thorough dousing of the insects I dash back a few steps to avoid getting hit by the over-spray. When I turn around to see the results, I’m met with the most startling sight.

A snake.

A large snake.

A large, long pissed off snake about 3 feet from my face… ho shit!!

The following takes place:

Me: *blinks in stunned silence at the sight before me but remains quiet and motionless*

Snake: *Hisses at me in an agitated manner as it starts to unfurl from the porch light*

Me: *Calls husband’s name as I continue to watch my scaly visitor move*

Husband: “Yes, Baby?”

Snake: *hiss hiss*

Me: Thinking – *I’m so sorry Mister Snake. If I had know you were there I would have never sprayed you like that – in fact I would have kept me and my wine sipping in the house… my apologies* – Calls Husband’s name 3 times in a row* (It’s all I can manage to do)

Husband: *Comes to the door* “What’s wrong?”

Me: “There’s a snake on the porch light and it’s slowly moving toward me.”

Husband: O.o *looks over at light through the screen door* “F*ck!!”

Me: “Yeah, kinda my thought too. Could you slowly open the screen door so it’s between me and our uninvited guest? I’d really appreciate not being out here any longer.”

Husband: *opens door – So I can slide inside*

Okay, so now I’m inside the house and safe but there is still a decent sized snake on the porch light (it’s well over three feet long). It’s almost midnight and I have no desire to let him slither off to hide somewhere else outside on the deck or patio. My husband (The Satyr) is not a “Man versus Wild” kind of guy but he arms up with a broom, puts his sneakers on and grabs a flash light. He’s about as ready as he can get at the hour on short notice.

Luckily for all of us, the adult children were home and had just settled into bed so I go knock.

Me: *knock knock knock*

My daughter The Sprite: “Yes?”

Me: I hate to disturb you guys at this hour but I need your help getting this snake off the porch light.

The Sprite: “Mommy, that doesn’t make any sense??!”

Her Fiance: “I think it does, Honey. I’m pretty sure your mom said there is a snake on the deck light and I need to go help take care of it.”

The Sprite: “Why is there a snake!!??”

Me: Thinking – *that’s a valid question that I have no answer for. I’m just as shocked as you are*

We all are up and about now. My son, The Imp, takes one look at the situation, calls the snake a nope rope and a danger noodle and immediately decides wants nothing to do with the fiasco before taking up residence on the couch. The rest of us go outside in our Pjs armed with – 2 flashlights, the kitchen broom, a plastic pole, some work gloves, a knife and a push broom…. yes this has us all looking as ridiculous as it sounds.

About fifteen minutes later we had the snake taken care of and all is well but I’d have to say that was the last thing I expected from deciding to step outside with my Chardonnay.

Have you guys had any interesting run ins with nature? Please feel free to share.

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* This post may contain affiliate links – Details HERE

The Imp of the Reverse

Every now and again life comes at us all pretty fast. Luckily for us it brings a good measure of humor along with it.

For example, my husband and my son last week. My son (The Imp) is 16, and like most 16 year-olds, he is ten foot tall and bulletproof. Thanks to a TV show (The Golden Girls) and a short conversation, it comes to our son’s awareness that we have an attic…. an attic he has never been in and the following unfolds –

Son: Can we get into our attic?

Husband: Yes, we can.

Son: How?

Husband: Move the access panel, grab the ladder and climb in.

Son: I want to go in the attic and look around!

Husband: It’s kind of late.

Me: Why don’t you wait until this weekend. That way your dad can bring in the ladder and help you into the attic.

Son: I bet I can do it with a chair!

Me and Husband: *exchange look*

Me: Why don’t we just wait.

Son: Nah, I have enough upper body strength. I can pull myself into that opening… no problem.

Me and Husband: *exchange look number two*

Son: *scurries down the hall wearing a big grin while carrying a dining room chair*

*clink* *rustle rustle* *bump* *grunt* groan*

~~~ Silence ~~~

THUNK WHAM SCRAAAAAPPPPEE

Husband: *is already getting up from the couch*

Son: DAAAAAAAAD!!!

Husband reports the sight of two legs and feet hanging out of the opening in the ceiling, a tipped over step stool that was apparently put on top of the chair for added lift, a wooden shield (we are still uncertain as to its role in this whole fiasco) and the coat rack that has been ripped out of the wall and is lying in a heap on the floor amongst the crumpled jackets… backing out of the attic had not gone as smoothly as getting in it would seem.

The Imp was fine (a little scuffed up but in high spirits). Instead of waiting and going into the attic over the weekend as we suggested, he spent that time learning how to patch drywall.

Never a dull moment. lol

Any of you have some fun child rearing stories to share?

The Satyr (My Husband) by JeCorey Holder Artist Extraordinaire

Because Florida… LOL

When I need a good laugh I generally look up news headlines from Florida. Why you might ask, because Florida never disappoints! Especially “Florida Man” but I have noticed that “Florida Woman” is gaining recognition and speed! Here are a few of my most recent favorites.

Here are a few where Florida Woman refuses to be outdone by Florida Man. Once again proving anything men can do women can do better lol

Then last but most certainly not least…

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*This post may contain affiliate links

The Nymph Needs New Glasses or The Lackadaisical Bug

One day I was at my desk doing my work thing, looking over documents and reports before I printed them. As I perused the text in front of me I see a random comma, so I move the cursor and delete it. I keep going and what do ya know…another random comma…then another…at that point I was thinking, WOW I must be really off my game today.

I could not have been more wrong

As I finished up I saw what looked like  a random comma…outside the margins

O.o wtf right?

No, it was not a comma at all, just a teeny tiny slow moving bug without anything better to do than travel up and around my monitor at its own leisurely pace…what a day and only me *sighs*

The attached picture has no bearing on this case… it is for you viewing pleasure only.

Unsalted

You gotta love married life. Because if you don’t, you’ll end up on trial for murder with the burden of explaining to a jury of your peers why you left a man hanging by his toes. Relationships are a constant unyielding mix of ups, downs, highs and lows like no other and when you add in the two kids life’s dull moments are few and far between in my world.

This brings me to today’s mini tale. A few weeks ago I was sitting on the couch in the living room as my husband rummaged through the cabinets in the kitchen. After some time, he makes the following statement: “We are almost out of salt.”

I know this is not true because salt is one of those things I buy almost in bulk. When I get salt I get no less than three containers but generally six. I have enough salt to survive the apocalypse at any given time. But I digress. The following conversation then takes place.

“Hunny, I’m sure we have some salt.”

“No we don’t, I looked and we don’t have any outside what little is in the shaker.”

“But…”

“Nope, I’ve looked everywhere in the cabinets. There’s no containers of salt and the shaker is almost empty.”

I sigh and say, “Okay, well pick some up on your way home tomorrow.”

*Next Day*

I hear the soft tinkling of the salt shaker before my husband says, “Man, the salt is really low now.”

“Did you pick some up?”

“No.”

I sit in stunned silence but say nothing more.

This repeats itself for two more days before my husband goes in the kitchen to cook something for dinner so he’s pulling spices out, sitting them on the counter doing his husband about to cook food for the family kind of thing when I hear the sounds of discovery.

“Hey Baby, there is salt in here.”

“You don’t say.”

“Yup, there’s an almost full container of salt in here so I don’t need to go to the store and get some like you asked me to.”

I let out a soft sounding ummhmm and the expression on my daughters face is priceless. (The Sprite has a face almost as expressive as her mother’s… we’d make horrible poker players and  spies) She’s been watching this whole thing play out over several days and I can tell she’s moments away from saying “but isn’t that what mommy said about the salt a few days ago?” so I put my finger to my lips in the universal signal for shhhh and just let him live in the happy place where there’s plenty of salt and he didn’t have to go to the store because I thought we were out.

Life is indeed what you make of it. Sometimes it’s best to stay silent, take the highroad and smile.

Online Shopping – The New Frontier

I’ve loved online shopping since day one. From the first time I put a few items in a digital cart, plugged in my information and had it show up hassle free on my doorstep, I was hooked. It was the perfect thing for a busy 20-something with way too many irons in the fire who was trying her level best to milk 36 hours out of the 24 allotted for each day. You can shop at your leisure, minus the crowd and at any time it suits your whims and wiles. Are you awake at 2:36 AM on a Tuesday? No problem. You can sit in your computer chair and browse as many and any online shops as you want without getting weird looks from people for having on your Batman Jammies and your hair in a sloppy ponytail.

As constant as it has been the last few decades the landscape has changed recently… and I love the shift. Online shopping (or selling for that matter, but that’s another post) is no longer just something for giant merchandisers, big box stores or frilly boutiques. Now, if you want to shop on the world wide web (been a while since you’ve seen that typed out hasn’t it?) you can do it almost anywhere. But out of all of these, Facebook Marketplace is the one I want to focus on today.

You can find everything from house shoes to half million dollar homes listed for sale on Facebook Marketplace. My current Marketplace obsession is buying household cleaning products. I’m a bargain shopper to my core and it sorely pains me to have to pay anywhere close to full price for anything, so online shopping with its many deals, coupons, and rebates is most definitely the place for me. My friends call me the Deal Lady or the Coupon Queen. If they want to save on something they contact me because they know I’ll be able to find a deal of some sort in short-order.

In my area of the world, extreme couponers are on every corner. For example, I can get three bottles of Gain laundry detergent, a nine- pack of Angel Soft toilet paper, Febreeze, lotion, deodorant, dryer sheets, Puff Plus tissues, and a wide assortment of other things in a convenient bundle for about thirty bucks (some examples pictured below). Some of these extreme couponers even deliver! So if you are not up to meeting the seller in the parking lot of your local grocery store or well-lit gas station you could have them bring it right to your doorstep. Not sold on it yet? Give it a shot first-hand, pull up your Facebook, click on Home and on the left sidebar click on Marketplace and have a look around. If you have no interest in anything else listed for sale there type the word “bundle” in the  search bar at the top and see what pops up in your area. The sheer amount will likely surprise you. Household bundles, skincare bundles, and grilling bundles oh my!

Between, Kroger ClickList and the Walmart equivalent, Amazon and Amazon Pantry, Grub Hub and UPS a person could get everything they need at the click of a button if they wanted to. If nothing else these options certainly do go a long way toward freeing up a person’s time for more of the joys in life.

And if the human race needed more time for anything these last few years it is definitely joy.