8>>>>>>>

“Why”, you may be asking yourself, “would anyone start off a blog with the peen emoji on it?” The answer is simple; it’s because my darling Richy managed to send basically that emoji to a client we wish to do business with. 

This all began yesterday with Richy sending me twenty one attachments of pictures of a project proposal he had written. He wrote with three different pens and markers because they each kept running out of ink; he wrote all of this on graph paper and took three pictures of each page. Then when the pictures came through, they were all completely shuffled and out of order. I basically got twenty one pictures that all looked like this: 

Twenty. One. Pictures. Of this batshit nonsense. 

With the help of Hootchie One, Tena, I was eventually able to come up with a project proposal out of this chaos. (And really, I couldn’t have made heads or tails of this without her help). So, five hours later, FIVE freaking hours, I end up with a typed proposal that was coherent, correctly labeled and set out for the client. Then I went to bed. Richy did not.

This morning I woke up to a friendly note telling me that Richy had “fixed” the proposal and the spacing and the wording, and he’d done it from about 1am to 4am. He also went ahead and emailed it to the client. He never said a word to me that he was going to do this. He told me after it was too late. Well, I opened my computer with trepidation and logged in to see exactly how he had “fixed” it. 

Oh boy! Had he ever fixed it. It looked completely different. He tried to get fancy with bold print and underlines and bullet points and for some odd reason a rogue punctuation mark that didn’t belong. Let me just illustrate this for you. Here are some examples of what I found…: 

  1. Chimney repair, exterior    {top to bottom}
  2. At top of Chimney, the existing cap/crown is separating from it’s foundation atop the first course of brickwork.[SEE PICS #1, 1A & 1B].

Notice the heavy use of bold print, which he then also underlined (the underline is not pictured because I can’t get it to, but it was both bold and underline). Notice the curly brackets used instead of parentheses. Parentheses is used in a parenthetical way to make something clear to the reader or as an aside. Curly brackets are used to indicate a group of things go together. He also used all caps to say “see pics” and he also referred to pictures as pics. This is a business proposition, not a funny “pic” of a panda you send to people who you want to like you. *Note: I actually will like you if you send me funny pics of pandas!* 

Anyway, there was also a lot of underlines and bold fonts that he didn’t end or start with at the right spot; such as:

>(Not including recommendation: Sealant)  

And

> (Including: Sealant)

You’ll notice in the two examples above, the ‘Not’ and the “i” in ‘including’ are underlined. Also, in the second example, the bold cursor was dragged from the symbol and across the first parenthesis. 

But the pièce de résistance (translation: piece of resistance) was the almost obscene internet sensation, the emoji wiener, (usually sent to other women when making fun of a random dude’s penis after he has sent an unsolicited dick pic) that he sent to this client. 

We all know this set of characters to indicate genitalia:  8>>>>>>>

He managed to send this: Base total estimate:  (A) $975.00 >>>>>>>(Not including recommendation: Sealant)                      (B) $1075.00 >>>>>>> (Including: Sealant)  

It may be just my dirty mind, but I can’t help but see a gomer pointing out how much the sealant is going to cost. 

And all of this has been already sent to this client. I keep telling myself it could be worse… but I honestly can’t figure out how. 

Oh!

And when I mentioned that Tena and I worked on this for five hours, he looked at me, with all seriousness and asked why in the world it took me five hours to do this, because, you know, it really shouldn’t have taken that long. It was just six pages. 

You are all invited to the funeral. Please bring sandwiches.