Captain’s Log: Quarantine Day 978

Captain’s Log: Quarantine Day 978

I have been watching cooking shows for three days now. I’ve been actively dieting for two months. The two activities are NOT compatible. 

It all began when I saw a new cooking show on Netflix called Cooked With Cannabis. I love to cook, and to watch cooking shows, so this was not only right up my alley, it also sounded fun. Well, just so you know, it is a cute show and I learned a few odd bits about using cannabis in cooking and what makes things psychoactive or non-psychoactive, etc… During all of this “baking”, I realized I hadn’t made homemade (in a bread machine, but whatever) bread in a while, so I decided a loaf of bread was exactly what I needed to make. I forgot however, that bread smells absolutely goddamn delicious while it bakes. 

I tried so hard to ignore it. I drank water. I ate a banana. I drank more water. I tried to cure the craving for fresh, hot, bread by eating yogurt, and cheese and even a few chips with hummus. It was all to no avail, my body ached for that warm, soft, perfect loaf. It wanted lashings of melty butter and – oh god, what if I put some gooey honey on top of that? I ate half of the contents of my fridge trying to avoid this carb overload. It turns out I should have just eaten the damn bread. Not only did I end up eating my weight in bread and butter, I ate all of that other food trying to quell my craving. 

As I’m writing this post, I have found myself watching  Iron Chef on Hulu playing in the background. I also had a grocery order delivered about half an hour ago. I am in the position now of:

  1. Being a tad hungry because of my diet.
  2. Craving five-star food because I’m watching Iron Chef.
  3. Having access to a crap-ton of food because I’m now fully supplied thanks to InstaCart.

Jesus take the wheel. Help me. Send reinforcements and a muzzle. I do not need to be left unsupervised around all of this food along with access to limitless cooking shows. I am going to end up coming out of this quarantine looking like a hairless water buffalo (see picture). It is not going to be pretty.

Ban Nathon Buffalo Arena (Pink Buffalo) - Forum International ...

I must remember to make the rations last. I must remember that I am a chubby little goblin and must continue my weight loss journey. I must remember how nice it feels to have lost twelve pounds. I must continue this log entry, but honestly, I think I’m going to go eat.