Wine, Moths and Snakes… OH NO!

I’m a wine lover.

In my world there is no better way to wrap up a nice evening than to pour a glass of wine, step outside on the deck and sip away as I look up at the stars.

This is exactly what I was doing a few nights ago as I enjoyed the warm spring night here in the mountains of Virginia. However, with the porch light on, nature – in the form of flying insects, were flocking to the walkway on my deck in droves. Overwhelmed at an alarming rate, and having no desire to end up with bugs in my wine – I grab the insect spray, pointed it at the porch light and sprayed away.

Content with my thorough dousing of the insects I dash back a few steps to avoid getting hit by the over-spray. When I turn around to see the results, I’m met with the most startling sight.

A snake.

A large snake.

A large, long pissed off snake about 3 feet from my face… ho shit!!

The following takes place:

Me: *blinks in stunned silence at the sight before me but remains quiet and motionless*

Snake: *Hisses at me in an agitated manner as it starts to unfurl from the porch light*

Me: *Calls husband’s name as I continue to watch my scaly visitor move*

Husband: “Yes, Baby?”

Snake: *hiss hiss*

Me: Thinking – *I’m so sorry Mister Snake. If I had know you were there I would have never sprayed you like that – in fact I would have kept me and my wine sipping in the house… my apologies* – Calls Husband’s name 3 times in a row* (It’s all I can manage to do)

Husband: *Comes to the door* “What’s wrong?”

Me: “There’s a snake on the porch light and it’s slowly moving toward me.”

Husband: O.o *looks over at light through the screen door* “F*ck!!”

Me: “Yeah, kinda my thought too. Could you slowly open the screen door so it’s between me and our uninvited guest? I’d really appreciate not being out here any longer.”

Husband: *opens door – So I can slide inside*

Okay, so now I’m inside the house and safe but there is still a decent sized snake on the porch light (it’s well over three feet long). It’s almost midnight and I have no desire to let him slither off to hide somewhere else outside on the deck or patio. My husband (The Satyr) is not a “Man versus Wild” kind of guy but he arms up with a broom, puts his sneakers on and grabs a flash light. He’s about as ready as he can get at the hour on short notice.

Luckily for all of us, the adult children were home and had just settled into bed so I go knock.

Me: *knock knock knock*

My daughter The Sprite: “Yes?”

Me: I hate to disturb you guys at this hour but I need your help getting this snake off the porch light.

The Sprite: “Mommy, that doesn’t make any sense??!”

Her Fiance: “I think it does, Honey. I’m pretty sure your mom said there is a snake on the deck light and I need to go help take care of it.”

The Sprite: “Why is there a snake!!??”

Me: Thinking – *that’s a valid question that I have no answer for. I’m just as shocked as you are*

We all are up and about now. My son, The Imp, takes one look at the situation, calls the snake a nope rope and a danger noodle and immediately decides wants nothing to do with the fiasco before taking up residence on the couch. The rest of us go outside in our Pjs armed with – 2 flashlights, the kitchen broom, a plastic pole, some work gloves, a knife and a push broom…. yes this has us all looking as ridiculous as it sounds.

About fifteen minutes later we had the snake taken care of and all is well but I’d have to say that was the last thing I expected from deciding to step outside with my Chardonnay.

Have you guys had any interesting run ins with nature? Please feel free to share.

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Parenting Life Episode #247: The Sleepover Part 116

My son (The Imp) and his BFF have been friends for almost seven years. They have gone through, elementary school, middle school and now in high school together. His BFF lives a convenient house over from us, so more often than not, they are together on a weekend. Fun times need to be had, right? Watching them grow up and turn into young men has been a wondrous thing… but often a wondrous thing full of oddities and laughter (as you’ll see below).

*Bump Thump Thump Bang Whack…. Groan*
Me: What’s going on in there?
Son’s BFF: He’s not being a very cooperative dead body.
Me: … … but everything’s okay right?
**Silence**
Me: Hello?
Son’s BFF: Yeah, everything’s good.
Me: Let me hear from the dead body as well.
The Imp: I’m good!
Me: Okay, carry on (bumping and thumping resumes) *looks at The Sprite who’s sitting beside me on the couch* Did you hear me ask to hear from the dead body?
The Sprite: *Shakes her head and giggles* Mommy’s silly.

Indeed I am a silly goose. Life is a thing to be enjoyed and since none of us are getting out alive we might as well laugh and smile while we can.

Merry Whizz-mas… and What’s Up With This Tea?

I’m sure you guys have figured out that I work from home. All of the things that the Nymph does from website testing, product testing, fiction writing and painting happily takes place within my four walls more often than not. As such, I am apt to take breaks to do mundane everyday things like laundry, vacuuming and dishes. Well our tale begins on one of those dish doing days.

I was standing at the sink washing dishes and simultaneously testing out a set of wireless headphones while talking to my gal pal known as the Elf (found here on the interwebs and she’s a riot so check her out). We’re giggling and carrying on as per usual when I hear a strange noise coming from behind me. I pause my conversation with her by saying “hold on a second babe” as I turn off the water. I then hear what sounds like the faintest of liquid trickles in the background. Thinking someone left the faucet on in the bathroom, I turn around only to find the family dog whizzing away on the Christmas tree… and not just the tree, he got a pair of shoes and a decent sized spot on the carpet too… da fuq?

I shout his name and it startles him into a trot and dribble so now I have a damp tree, a soaked pair of shoes and a spotted trail of dog pee going across the living room carpet. My daughter and her boyfriend (it was his shoes that caught the flood) come out to see why I’m admonishing the dog and well… lets just say that our favorite canine familiar spent his afternoon outside in the backyard where he could whizz on all the trees he’d like.  I love our little four legged fluff ball but I was less than impressed with his antics.

Fast forward to the following evening.

Everyone is bustling around in the kitchen fixing snacks and what not when my daughter, the Sprite, decides she wants a nice hot cup of chai tea steeped to perfection via the Keurig. In goes the pod, out comes a coffee cup then one button press later and she’s in business. We have several sensitive tummies in the house so almond and soy milk are our most welcome friends. Kept usually on the bottom door shelf of the fridge along with whatever bottled juice we are consuming that week. The Sprite opens the fridge, grabs a carton, opens it up and pours it in her tea…. but it seems suspiciously clear. Thinking it needed a good shake, she does that and proceeds to pour more clear (and slightly oily) liquid in her tea…qué?

Holding the carton up for inspection, she then realizes that she had mistakenly grabbed the half used container of chicken broth from the previous nights dinner. Care for a cup of chicken chai tea anyone?

Ahhhh just another day in the life and I love it.

Halloween Hijinks

 

It was a rare occasion but this Halloween the Sprite and I stayed in. No costumes, no booze nothing but the two of us and a couple of B rated scary movies. Life was swimming along at a lazy pace as per usual when a thought hit me and then the following conversation takes place between me and the Sprite: 


Me: Man we didn’t think to get candy in case we get trick or treaters

Sprite: Nah, no need to worry, no one trick or treats on this street

*Thirty seconds later I shit you not* DING DONG

Sprite: *looks at me with wide eyes* Is our porch light on?

Me: Yup, it’s always on.

Sprite: *flips light off on the poor kid standing on our doorstep*

Me: You did not just do that *giggles in disbelief* You know that’s like the Halloween equivalent to getting a door slammed in your face, right? lol



#HangingWithTheSprite #AnotherDayInTheLife #WeAreSoGoingToHell #ItShouldntBeFunnyButItWas #AdventuresAtZanarkand

Alexa Fancies Herself a Comedian It Seems…

So this just happened:


Sprite: Alexa, tell me a joke. 

Alexa: Why did Adele cross the road?


… so she could say hello from the other side.


This made still being sick with barely a voice, a snotty nose and achy ears much more bearable. Sleep well all, my meds are calling.